What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
