i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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