she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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