this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
