I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
