I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I think I won the penis lottery.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
