i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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