how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
