I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
