I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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