I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize