Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
