On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
