Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
