his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
