the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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