hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
