I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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