So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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