after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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