just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
