Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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