just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
