Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
