shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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