Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Life is so much better after having sex.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
