omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
