I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
