ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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