I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
