matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
