I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
