he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
