I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
