i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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