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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
