a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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