EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
