im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
