The maid of honor just puked.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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