Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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