forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
