So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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