i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
