i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
