i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
you made out with another girl for some wings
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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