I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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