okay pat passed out under dana's car
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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