A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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