So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My ass is underappreciated
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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