By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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